Mood Swinger

I’m not okay. I know I’m not. I’ve been uncomfortable with my own mother since forever, I think. When things got worse - her condition - I’m getting worse. I feel frustrated that I have to touch, manoeuvre her. At times I feel disgusted, annoyed, I HATE that I have to help her, physically. 

At times, I feel i numb it. Just do it. It was simple. This is nothing. Fixing her meal, her medicine, bathe & clean her, feed her, changing her diapers, get her to bed. But being in the same area with her makes me feel uneasy sometimes. I often secluded myself and always imagining ran away or just move out from here.

Came back from Indonesia once in a while to me her and the family was okay for me. Staying in this house for two months would kill me back then. After the same old routine for 10 years, now I’m in the same house as her close to 4 months. It’s amazing I managed not to throw knife at her at this point.

I was, nearly, raised & tucked a knife on a cutting board (was aiming at her) when she was talking bout my now ex. It happened in 2018 - a long holiday before I started my second degree.

Today when I handed her meal, she said that I put budu on her nasi like it was for an Indo - she meant degrading- she meant bad. She always managed to get to my bad sides. And I give in to her. To her face I said she’s a xenophobic & a racist! I hate you! 

Casually, screaming. 

Hell come at me

And at night when I was cleaning her, i swing again. I did her rough. All the bad thoughts came rushing & I really hate handling her at that time & she pointed why I’m acting like this? Okay when I’m okay, and split second I not.

Mak, I AM NOT OKAY.

I was never

I’m not happy

I’m not okay